drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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