I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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