Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
please come you make the beer taste better
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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