Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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