dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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