Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
