just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
