if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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