I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
