I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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