shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
