Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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