dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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