if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
