dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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