I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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