she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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