fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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