wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize