So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
