My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
