i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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