I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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