just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
They took my balls.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
