What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
50% drunk capacity currently
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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