The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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