i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
