i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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