Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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