Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
