i need an iv and a liver transplant
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
