Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
