life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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