the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
