thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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