i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
