Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's rum buckets o'clock
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