quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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