I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am available for nakedness
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
