I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
