I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
In America we eat man semen.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
