There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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