Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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