also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
