Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
