I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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