do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
