you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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