guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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