Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
