i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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