You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I am available for nakedness
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
