You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize