The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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