The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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