the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
