Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
