There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
