Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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